Showing Up in a Skirt

It’s Pride Weekend in Toronto and now seems like as good a time as any to put some thoughts on digital paper and “come out,” in a way.

I’m gender non-conforming, and I’m finally ready to embrace that more publicly than I have over the last 55+ years of my life. The way I feel isn’t new. What is new is that I’m finally confident enough to stop hiding this part of myself.

This stuff is all very complicated, and I can assure you it’s something I’ve always struggled mightily to understand about myself. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been gradually showing more of this side of me to my friends and family.

I have always struggled with body image. It’s not so much that I think I’m in the wrong body (aka gender dysphoria), but rather that I feel more comfortable and happy when I can express myself in less masculine and more feminine ways.

For example, in 2022, I started removing the hair from my legs and underarms. I do it because I prefer how it looks and it feels “right” to me. I strongly dislike body hair, and especially my own. Initially I was fearful that people would notice and judge me for it. Maybe they do, but I don’t really care anymore — I’m happier this way. Recently, I’ve started laser hair removal on a whole bunch of my body so I just don’t have to deal with it anymore.

Probably the next big frontier is going to be the clothes I wear. This is also an area where I’ve slowly been making changes over the last few years. I used to hide my upper body under sleeves because I have a less-than-muscular physique. I started to embrace how I look by wearing sleeveless shirts over the last couple of summers, and I’d like to start wearing more tank tops at some point.

I switched to shorter shorts in the summer last year, and I’m still looking for some good leggings or tights I can wear in the spring and fall. I find them super comfortable, both how they feel and how they make me feel. The fact that I can wear tights to run in the winter without anyone asking questions has always been a plus.

I recently bought a running skirt from Lululemon and I’ve been wearing it about half the time I go out for a run instead of the Pace Breaker shorts I normally use. Today I showed up to my usual club run in the skirt and it was fine. I explained that I like how I look in it and that I enjoy running in it.

None of this feels like a sudden change. It’s more that I’ve finally stopped pretending the feelings aren’t there. I’ve been figuring this out my whole life, mostly quietly, mostly alone in my own head. The difference now is that I’m actually engaging with it instead of tucking it away.

I don’t know exactly where it leads, and I’m okay with that. For the first time, I’m letting myself find out.